Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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