i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
