dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
