I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My breasts were aching with rage.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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