Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
