My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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