I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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