Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Terrible idea I love it
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize