Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
