I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
