i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
