Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
