I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
