Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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