Yo dont text me then not text me
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
