Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
