where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
