i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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