if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
