so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I am available for nakedness
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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