i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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