I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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