And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
