I'm laying in your front yard are you home
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
accomplished twins. life is a go
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
