i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
