I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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