I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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