i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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