In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
