The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
