I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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