yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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