My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
