I must be too annoying 4 u.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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