just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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