saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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