LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
