I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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