so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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