i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
