you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
