All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
