i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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