is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
