When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
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