seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
