i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
