as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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