take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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