I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
