I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
